#she says often how she wishes that we'll stay in contact after this semester and everytime im like .... yeah... sure....

[emulation-0]

i need to move on but im still so angry about yesterday. i told her exactly why i was mad. i told her if she used her voice to advocate a little, if she even tried to be publicly pro palestinian instead of saying she 'supports the cause' without the balls to even say what the cause IS, i wouldnt be mad. because she never talked about it, never did ANYTHING, and then promised she would protest and then made the excuse that school mattered more to her. EVEN THOUGH NOTHING WAS HAPPENING ON THAT DAY AND WE ALL KNEW IT. publicly advocating isnt the ask of the century. its so simple. im not asking her to go out and shoot up city hall or whatever the fuck ??? im asking her to do the simplest thing

and she kept making excuses like im scared to face other peoples judgement and i reassured her even when i didnt have to how this is the right thing to do and you shouldnt stay silent. i coukdve been rude about it but i wasnt. i couldve been the big scary radical brown muslim girl but i was nice when i didnt fucking have to be.

all this when she initiated the conversation by apologizing for lying to me that she would go to the protest, and that she would accept if i yelled at her or gave her the silent treatment. she wanted me to vent out my anger. she said she wanted me to hurt her feelings. so i fucking vented out my anger and i couldve been mean about it but i wasnt. and then she left me on read when i told her how what she did hurt me and how she can fix it.

and then the next day this bitch avoids me ALL DAY. ignores me. treats me like im the one in the wrong. so i sucked up my damn pride and told her im sorry for being rude, being mad, telling you what you should do and she has the AUDACITY, the ENTITLEMENT, to say she doesnt want a 'surface level promise' and an apology just for the purpose of befriending me, and she wants an apology where j realized my mistake. AS IF SHE DIDNT APOLOGIZE IN THE FIRST PLACE FOR MY FORGIVENESS AND NOT BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT HER BEHAVIOR.

but i decided to be the bigger person. i shouldnt have but i fucking did. and i sucked it up. and then she ignores me FOR A FUCKING HOUR and has the audacity to then tell me. even though i am super upset i decide to forgive you. AS IF SHES DOING ME A FUCKING FAVOR? WHAT HAPPENED TO 'if you yell at me or give me the silent treatment, i will accept it. i want you to vent out your anger so you can feel free internally. i want you to hurt my feelings.'

and i knew she wasnt the type of person i wanted to be friends with for a very long while. always hypocritical, stubborn, never wants to get out of her comfort zone, never speaks up about anything and shuts down whenever i try to educate her, backbites about others and then says she hates backbiters, complains about toxic desis while she emulates those behaviors? but she didnt give me a reason to cut her off so i figured ill just wait until i never have to see her face again

why have friends if you never want them to challenge your beliefs. why have friends if you never want to grow as a person. why have discussions if you want to sit in the same bubble you always have, clinging to your ignorant and comfortable life because you dont want anything else? GO FUCK YOURSELF. FUCK YOU AND YOUR STUPID 'I DECIDE TO FORGIVE YOU'. SHOVE ALL YOUR BULLSHIT UP YOUR ASS. SHOVE IT SO FAR THAT YOULL NEVER REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO WALK. HOW CAN YOU NOT CARE. HOW CAN YOU BE SO FUCKING ENTITLED AND PRIVILEGED. GENUINELY FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART KILL YOURSELF